Pizza
Last Thursday my former roommate/PAL (peer academic leader), who was fired from his job in housing due to accusations from another former roommate, invited me to attend a dinner party for housing students that made it on the dean's list. Of course, I didn't make the list, I went as his guest, I don't even know what my GPA is.
I had forgotten that he invited me. It wasn't until he phoned me during my intro to drawing class that I was reminded. I called my drawing instructor to the side and whispered if I can leave class early to attend the event. He practically announced to the entire class that I was allowed to leave because I was ahead of everyone else because they failed to follow instructions on our last assignment. Although I know I'm outperforming everyone, it's another thing to hear it from the instructor every class. What a way to inflate one's ego. At the time I held myself in such a high esteem. I likely carried myself in a "pompous" manner. I definitely felt like I was. I wouldn't be surprised if the other students thought I had my head up my ass. I rarely talk to anyone so I could only imagine what they actually think if at all.
I hardly had any formal clothes to wear to the event. Everything I had was extremely wrinkled or didn't fit me. I went with a buttoned shirt that was a bit too big for me with pizza patterns on it while my roommates went in suit attire. We met up with another group on our way there. Everyone was talking and getting acquainted while I was standing there with my hands in my pocket trying to distract myself from my awkward predicament.
When the dinner finally started I found myself surrounded by people who were far smarter and better looking than me, at least in my mind. Everyone was talking and laughing. Although I was an invited guest, and my roommate assured me that he was glad I was there, I did not belong there. Whatever inflammatory ego I had was knocked down a peg. I felt humbled and ashamed of my work ethic. For the first time in months, I felt insecure.
I have been praised for my skills in art and my ability to "express myself", but beauty is a judge that I can't look in the eye and hard work, which is akin to responsibility, is a burden I can't seem to bear voluntarily. I don't know if I can conquer these insecurities in a way that is not naive or expedient. Maybe I'm being a bit too hard on myself. Perhaps I'll look into getting a job, or not, I don't know.
I had forgotten that he invited me. It wasn't until he phoned me during my intro to drawing class that I was reminded. I called my drawing instructor to the side and whispered if I can leave class early to attend the event. He practically announced to the entire class that I was allowed to leave because I was ahead of everyone else because they failed to follow instructions on our last assignment. Although I know I'm outperforming everyone, it's another thing to hear it from the instructor every class. What a way to inflate one's ego. At the time I held myself in such a high esteem. I likely carried myself in a "pompous" manner. I definitely felt like I was. I wouldn't be surprised if the other students thought I had my head up my ass. I rarely talk to anyone so I could only imagine what they actually think if at all.
I hardly had any formal clothes to wear to the event. Everything I had was extremely wrinkled or didn't fit me. I went with a buttoned shirt that was a bit too big for me with pizza patterns on it while my roommates went in suit attire. We met up with another group on our way there. Everyone was talking and getting acquainted while I was standing there with my hands in my pocket trying to distract myself from my awkward predicament.
When the dinner finally started I found myself surrounded by people who were far smarter and better looking than me, at least in my mind. Everyone was talking and laughing. Although I was an invited guest, and my roommate assured me that he was glad I was there, I did not belong there. Whatever inflammatory ego I had was knocked down a peg. I felt humbled and ashamed of my work ethic. For the first time in months, I felt insecure.
I have been praised for my skills in art and my ability to "express myself", but beauty is a judge that I can't look in the eye and hard work, which is akin to responsibility, is a burden I can't seem to bear voluntarily. I don't know if I can conquer these insecurities in a way that is not naive or expedient. Maybe I'm being a bit too hard on myself. Perhaps I'll look into getting a job, or not, I don't know.
Same thing I have been saying. You are the only thing holding yourself back from greatness.
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